Please Forgive Me
After
settling into her place in the coastal town, Kristin emailed me:
"I am sorry for not appreciating you. Thank you for still providing for me after all these years. I am also sorry for disrespecting you and not honoring you as a man of God. I am sorry for listening to the Enemy's lies about you hating me. Please forgive me for calling you a false teacher, pure evil and a jerk. Please forgive me for all the other times I took your love for granted. Please forgive me for not waiting with you and lusting after Jonah in my heart. I am deeply sorry for not waiting with you unto marriage. May Jesus the Christ bless you. May God Almighty and His Holy Spirit empower you and shine His light deep within your heart. Love to you, in Christ Jesus."
Four days later, she emailed again:
"I am sorry for ruining our relationship by my words spoken. Can we please fix it? I really messed up and I miss you. You have always been there for me. I have sinned against you in so many ways, please forgive me. I was not there for you when you were sick. I have not been respecting you and I have not listened to you about seeking help for BPD. I have not been grateful for your sacrificial love. You have prayed with me, took demons while delivering me, sang with me, comforted me, provided for me and loved me and I have treated you shamefully. Please forgive me."
When I pressed her for more specifics on the problems and how to fix them, she replied:
"1. I did not heed your counsel about returning to China.
2. I lied to you about how I would use the money that you gave me and went back
to China with it.
3. I have not been grateful to you or respectful to you.
4. I attacked your age.
5. I have not bridled my tongue.
6. I told you that "I hope the man I marry after you die will be somebody I
actually will like."
7. I called you a false teacher, attacked your ministry and called you a jerk.
8. I lusted after Jonah and told you I would moan for him.
9. I blamed you for my skin issues and spiritual affliction.
10. I lacked compassion for you when you were sick in China while I was at
school.
11. I didn't love you the way you deserved to be loved.
"How to fix:
1. Learn how to bridle my tongue.
2. Learn how to speak well of you.
3. Learn how to be grateful to you for every provision.
4. Appreciate and respect you in all ways.
5. Receive counseling for BPD.
6. Stop blaming you for my skin and spiritual issues.
7. Try not to go down and stay up in the midst of conflict.
8. Receive healing for DID.
9. Help 18 from BPD and have her integrate.
"I believe I need healing first before marriage. I am not sure about many things
in this trial right now. My brain is blurry and I do not remember many things. I
think between all the stress I have switched too much and thus forget many
things. I do need medical help because my stomach is still not well. Love and
blessings."
The "18" in #9 in the "How to fix" list above is what the nice alter calls the protector alter who has the borderline personality disorder, as that alter claims to be 18 years old. In the paragraph above, the nice alter is expressing that she has a low threshold for stress. When she feels stress, she 'goes down,' at which point the protector alter 'comes up,' lashes out and wreaks havoc, and then goes down, at which point the nice alter or another alter comes (back) up and apologizes for what the protector alter has done but without really knowing what she has done.
The good news about the words above was that the nice alter who had been dominant in Kristin until the two American "Christian" women poisoned her mind and whom I seldom saw after the blown wedding was at least still around. And she knew the key solutions, which were for her to stay up and not go down, as she stated in #7 in the second list above, and for the protector alter to either repent or integrate.
The bad news was that the one whose words had caused the damage - the protector alter - wasn't the one apologizing and repenting, so was likely to continue to lash out and wreak havoc when she resurfaces.