BPD Spouse
It
should be noted that because the behaviors of
borderline personality disorder
sufferers push people away, their
needs, hopes and expectations inevitably become focused on their spouse, child or some
other person who is closest to them, on whom they lash out with fury when that
person eventually fails to meet those needs, hopes and expectations.
The internet was filled with heartbroken lamentations of former spouses - predominantly husbands - of borderline personality disorder (BPD) sufferers, most of whom are women, including one that stayed with me:
"Trying to fill the emotional black hole inside my bpd wife was like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with a water pistol - except the Grand Canyon has a bottom."
Most BPD sufferers who eventually seek counseling are said to do so in their later years, when they are all alone after having pushed away everyone, including their spouse, have no one left to blame for their continuing woes, and have no choice but to recognize that they may be the one with the issues. The divorce rate among untreated BPD sufferers is just about 100% and the internet is also filled with angry lamentations of children raised by untreated BPD mothers.
I wanted Kristin to have a successful marriage, with me or another man, and a successful motherhood, not get divorced or hurt and be rejected by her children. After the horrible childhood she suffered through, she deserved a life of happiness and triumph. And to have that, she had to accept the painful truth about borderline personality disorder and confront it now, not when she is sixty or seventy years old.
The nice alter of Kristin was willing to seek counseling for borderline personality disorder, as she wrote, but the protector alter who has the BPD wasn't, nor did she want to integrate. Moreover the nice alter of Kristin said that she cannot let go of the protector alter because she is the one who stepped forward and protected her when her father was raping her so that she - the nice alter - can go down and be spared the brunt of the trauma.
Soon after sending me those touching emails, the nice alter went down again, the protector alter took over and conflict resumed. I continued to email her information, evidences, and encouragements to accept the truth and seek counseling, and offered to continue to provide for her so that she can build up a financial cushion with the money that she was earning by teaching children online.
After not hearing back from her for a week, I went to her building, managed to take the elevator up, and knocked on her door. She asked who it was. When I answered, she was quiet for a long time, finally let me in but kept her eyes low and would not look at me. When I asked her how she is doing and if she has read my messages, she simply said that she is leaving. When I asked her where she is going, she said she doesn't want to tell me, and told me to leave. She looked so broken and sad. I wanted to help her but couldn't.
I told her that I will stay in town until her departure date. If she changes her mind before then, she could call me. That date came and went without her call, so I then left that town as well, took a bus to a suburb of the capital city, tried to take a break mentally and emotionally, and then flew to a town near the border, did a border run to renew my visa, and then took a long bus ride to the city that had the many Chinese tourists.