Alters
But
we didn't have time to dwell on the child alter's departure as
she had opened the floodgate and other alters began to surface one after another.
Most of them identified themselves by their age. Every age year had an alter; many years had more than one alter, and there were many alters who were very young, especially two year olds, and even a 6-month-old baby alter, whose words were limited.
The alters who wrote had very different handwritings, as if of completely different people. Their voices and vocabulary reflected their ages, but the young alters spoke well for their age. The favorite colors of all of the alters were in the pink to burgundy spectrum but varied; some alters preferred light pink, others pink, others dark pink, others red, others dark red, others burgundy, etc.
All of the toddler alters were cute beyond words. One liked to curl up in my lap, asked me to play tic-tac-toe with her, and was very good at it. Others asked for and named their own stuffed animals, and giggled while playing with them. All of the alters were Kristin when she was their age.
How anyone, let alone her own father, could rape such an adorable little girl was beyond comprehension but all of the alters had been brutally violated by her father. The younger alters cried, saying, "My daddy hurt me," "My daddy hurt me," over and over again. Several of them also drew horrifying pictures of being raped and attacked by a demonic figure, whom they said was their daddy.
The older alters were more reticent to recount the sexual abuse they had suffered, but when they spoke, recounted being abused in ways that were even more than just sexual. Older but preteen alters recounted repeatedly being taken by her mother to a deserted section of a large hospital where men in white lab coats did things to her. A mid-teen alter recounted being taken to a Masonic lodge where she suffered what sounded like a ritual in front of the people gathered. A late teen alter recounted being impregnated by her father, who killed her baby after delivery. Some of what these alters suffered is called Satanic Ritual Abuse (SRA), and I later learned that Satanists inflict it to create alters, inside of whom they place demons.
A two-year-old alter tended to be 'up' most of the time, or at least to come up and tell me who was up when I asked. Kristin also seemed to be up most of the time, but the other alters took turns coming up and going down. Sometimes, I chatted with just one alter, but other times, there were several alters chatting with me and Kristin.
Sometimes, I looked at Kristin in amazement. Sitting in front of me was one woman, out of whom different voices of different ages and personalities talked back to me. How was this possible? Yet, that was what was happening.
(If you are reading this but are unfamiliar with dissociative identity disorder, what you just read will sound farfetched to you. It would have to me before I met Kristin. There are some videos online of child alters surfacing in adults, including this one of a child alter surfacing in a famous woman who was abused as a child and insisting that the baby in her womb of is just gas.)
One after another, the alters who surfaced heard and believed the Gospel, forgave their father, worshiped Jesus, had demons cast out of them, and then were gone. Dissociative identity disorder experts say that the alters "integrate" into the core person. But all of Kristin's alters who said where they are going said they are going to heaven, or "heavie," as the toddler alters called heaven, while other alters disappeared without saying anything.
Whether they are going to heaven or integrating into Kristin to wait until she goes to heaven, I missed all of the alters when they left. But as they left, others surfaced, so I didn't have time to dwell on the alters who left; I had to focus on the newly-surfaced alters, lest they feel less than welcomed.
Far more challenging were the alters who didn't want to be known. Dissociative identity disorder experts claim that women who were repeatedly raped often have 'protector alters' who stepped up during the rapes to absorb the attack and to fight back. These alters hate men, don't want to be with any man, and even think that they themselves are male and therefore better able to fight back against their male attacker. I suspected that Kristin had such protector alters, who never identified themselves, but that it was or were these protector alters who popped up occasionally to lash out at me to try to sabotage our relationship.
Some dissociative identity disorder experts claim that women who were raped by Satanists also often have 'cult-loyal alters' who have been programmed to remain loyal to and protect the rapist. Whenever I proposed to Kristin that we should report her father for prosecution, she always seemed to change the subject and even try to defend him, so she also may have had at least one cult-loyal alter.
Both the protector and the cult-loyal alters seemed to be unsaved and to have demons in them.